The Whole Story

  K, I feel that I need to Clarify some things. I kinda villified my wife in my first post without telling the while story and it's been like a monkey on my back for a while now. We first started to have problems in our marriage after our son was born and she discovered that I had a problem with porn. when the truth finally had to come out she also had to learn that this was something that I had been dealing with for most of my life (way back before the church started addressing it as a real problem). After finding all this out and realizing that I had been keeping it from her she had to go through the feelings of betrayall and I lost all the trust in her that she had ever given me. and I for once finally started to see why they say that this can destroy your life and take everything that you care about away from you. I went to counseling shortly after she found out but still made the mistake of wnted to cover up my "dark secret" because I was too ashamed to let anybody know that I had this problem only letting a select few know. I had gotten it under control and felt really good about finally getting some help and coming to terms with it and i thought I would be O.K. from that point on. as I tried to continue through my life, Satan, it seems had other plans. moving on from that point just got harder all the time as bills pilled up and kids grew into thier teenage years (with all the "joys" that teenagers bring into your life) and the stresses of life kept building up I had made the fatal mistake of not allowing myself to have an outlet to all the stress I was experiencing, while at the same time not taking the time to realize that my wife was still trying to deal with the let down she had expierienced through me and we hadn't tried to take the time to mend our relationship, we just put it to the side while we kept trying to deal with the everyday challenges that were now being thrown at us in a constant barrage. One day that seemed like any other day I fell back into my addiction and relapsed. the thing that galls me the most now is that even while I was doing it I knew what I was doing but kept telling myself it was only going to be this one time....almost a year later, there is never just one time when ti comes to porn and I have let it take almost everything i care about most away from me only to crumple it up and toss it in the garbage like yesterdays news.
 
  So, this is where I find myself at, going to my Bishop to go back into counseling hoping to repair at least something of whats been destroyed. I need to do this cause my two kids deserve to have a better example in thier lifes. and even though I have no idea if the seeming impossible is even possible I still love my wife, I wouldn't blame her if she never came around to loving me again, but she is the one person that makes me feel good just to be around.

  I hate the fact that this has gotten a hold on me. Every bad thing that has been said about porn has still not been enough. It is more addicting that any drug that has ever existed. It is disgusting and vulgar and avery poisenous snake that is better left alone. I know, I picked that snake up and played with it instead of putting it down. When I tried to put it down it bit me. i just can't accept the fact that that bite was severe emough that I can't recover from it. And I pray that this long road I am stating down once again will somwhere intersect with my wife & families road and we can join up and travel down that road together.

weekend with my son

  So my wife went out of town for the weekend and asked me if I would take my son for the weekend. Today was too much fun. went to breakfast and then on to the store to get him some different cloths cause his Aunt and Uncle in all honesty were clueless when they packed clothes for him for the weekend. For a weekend that was supposed to be nice and warm they put some of his heavier clothes in his bag and then made no attempt to flod them up, just threw it all together. Church out fit consited of Pants and vest. No shirt or shoes which I know he has cause I bought them for him. so off to the store where I got him two pairs of jeans, a Shirt, And a whole new church outfit, Socks and a new pair of cowboy boot that he refused to take off even for bedtime (he's been excited about getting cowboy boots for a week now, way too cute to see him when he finally got them). Came home took a nap, had home made pizza for dinner had a bath and then watched Bambi till he was to tired to watch anymore and wanted to go to bed. So I laid with him till he was asleep. Now I have some time to be on the computer before I am to tired . tried to take him somewhere to get his hair cut but he started crying when we walked into the place so that didn't get done. So hopefully he will feel better about getting his hair cut tomorrow. Thats all thats on my mind tonight. maybe I'll write more about how the rest of the weekend went when it's over.

my first shot at this

  K, I've thought about doing this for a long time. Not quite sure how it will work out but it's worth a try. i consider myself a pretty regular guy with a pretty average life. I have two kids (boy & a girl in that order) who's ages and names right now will be kept private until I know how this thing will work out. Three step children (girl, boy, girl) and a wife who I am currently separated from which is mostly why i am doing this, as an attempt to release some of the feelings and pent up frustrations from the whole situation. in all honesty our break up is mostly my fault but at the same time I have to say that it's hard to hold a relationship together when you feel like your the only one trying in that relationship. and after so long of feeling ignored in my own house for no apparent reason one could find it understandable why you would just give up and accept the role of being invisible. I do love my wife and I do dream of a day of being with my family again but it is with some trepidation and fear of going back into the same invironment as it was right before I was kicked out.
  The one bright spot of my life for the last 6 months has been the relationship with my son which has only gotten stronger through all of this and were it not for our situation I probably would never have had spent as much one on one with him as I have. He is my shadow in every sense of the word and I love watching him grow and learn every day.
  I am also a Mormon and believe with everything inside of me that that is the tru church. So anyone who happens to come along this blog, you don't have to agree with my beliefs but if it upsets you...it's my blog so either stop reading or deal with it. I make no excusses for how I live my life, I make mistakes and I try and lear from them. Sometimes it works other times I need another lesson.
  thats enough of an introduction for now. I'll give this a shot for a while, I already feel a llittle bit better!